I can’t do this anymore. And if people from my school see this, great. Everyone hates me anyways. My friends hate me for being me, and people who don’t even know me hate me for being whatever they think i am. I just don’t know what else to do. I’m never good enough for anyone. And now that my parents are getting divorced, that’s a nice plus to everything.

• To the guys: You are all the newest addition to my life. You are all amazing. I know we haven’t hung out for too long, but I feel truly happy whenever you’re around. I love that I can be myself, and that I’m accepted and respected by you. It honestly is a huge relief. Thank you all for everything so far, and I hope that our friendships continue.
• To Andrea: I know that sometimes I bitch and moan about how you’re never there anymore, but honestly, you never left. Thank you for being such a good friend. Like Albus Dumbledore said, the ones we love never truly leave us. I know that we will be best friends regardless of who or what gets in our way. I can honestly say that you are one of the only people who really cares about me anymore.
• To the 60% of people at my school: I know you hate me, it’s all good. I’m just as excited to graduate and never see you again, as you are to do the same. Do your own thing, and stop being obnoxious.
• To everyone I’ve hurt: I’m sorry. I’m really trying to fix myself. It’s hard. I don’t really remember how to be happy. I’m trying to, but it’s going to take time. I want you in my life, but I just don’t know where to put you in it. Annalise, I have a reason for everything I do, and it’s not in my intentions to hurt you or make you upset with me. I just wish you would understand the way I expect you to. Katie, I’m sorry for always putting you in the middle. Felicia,  I’m sorry for not treating you the way I should sometimes. Debora, I’m sorry if you feel unappreciated. I am so thankful for you, because without you, I have no idea where I’d be. To all my other close friends that I didn’t mention, I love you all. Please never, ever, forget that. I’m just trying to fix myself and live out high school and be happy and get good grades, and I don’t know how to do it. I’m just not perfect. 
• To whoever wants to listen: My whole life, I’ve just been trying to please everyone. I always try to morph myself into what people want me to be. I’ve gotten to the point, where after years and years of that, I’ve lost sight of myself. So after a long chat with a friend, I decided earlier this year that I wasn’t going to let people walk all over me any longer, and that I wasn’t going to be “too nice” anymore. I really wish that this ”new me” that I’ve been told to be for so long for the bettering of myself, wasn’t going to make me lose people. I really don’t want to lose anyone, I’m just trying to find myself. I just wish someone would understand that.

I hate that all i think about is him, and how he’d push my hair back, look into my eyes, and tell me how beautiful I was and that he’d never even imagine of being anywhere else. I miss how he’d hug me from behind and how I’d lay with him and we’d play footsies while i listened to his heart beat and i’d feel him smile when we kissed. I was the happiest I’ve ever been, even happier than i was with anyone before him. and I’ve never admitted that.. but loving him was a true adventure. Love sounds like a big word, but there’s no other way than to describe how i felt. It sounds drastic, but when i think of the perfect guy, it’s him. His mannerisms, his hair, his eyes, his voice. It’s just never going to be the same. And i hate that when my mind wanders, it goes straight to him. i just don’t think our story ended the way it should have. I really just miss him and i’d do anything to get him back, which sounds so drastic but if you asked one of my friends how happy i was with him, they’d tell you. When it was over, i didn’t eat for a week. I still haven’t been as happy as i was with him since that day. I just don’t know what to do with myself now that he’s gone. I thought i did for a while, but now i just don’t. I’m not supposed to be with a 21 year old, there’s no destiny with my ex, not all these random people. My heart remains with him.

I hate people and everyone who inhabits this earth. I cannot trust anyone. I’m judged my even my closest friends for my actions, and everyone’s becoming fake. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t do it. Everything I do is wrong, even though I’m not even doing anything wrong. I’m fucking done.

I wanted to so bad, but I didn’t. There was nothing around to use. I just feel like nothing and no one is dependable anymore. I feel like everything I used to know is slipping away from me, and I can’t control any of it. I need something unchangeable in my life, and I feel like I don’t know what that is anymore. I don’t know who my friends are anymore, and my parents are getting divorced, and the guy I’m talking to never has any time for me anymore. Everything is changing, and I just feel alone. That’s how I’m going to end up anyways..

I should really just take a second to appreciate what I have, and who I have. Of course, some of my friends are annoying and disrespectful, but they’re teaching me who my real friends are.

because I’ll always stick up for you.